Things to do in the Merged U When You're Dead
by HalloweenJack
Summary: Think Warren's story in the Merged U ends in the Hellmouth Opens Wide? Not a chance, bucky!


    I won nothing. If I did, well season 7 wouldn't have sucked.

    Well it didn't at first but then when the Potentials came in it went way downhill.

    I MEAN COME ON! Buffy has to work her ass off to kill ONE Turok-Han! Just one! And in the series finale EVERYONE and their mothers are killing them left and right. And don't even get me started on Caleb! Don't even!

    Okay I'm done.

    He lay there on the floor in agony. He turned to his stomach when his back became sore. Days ago he turned to his back because his stomach had been sore. At least he thought it was days ago. It could have been months, maybe even years. And still he lay, quaking and in torment. This was surely some form of Hell he had not been aware of. How long had he been here? God only knew. Yeah that was probably accurate. God or those people BEHIND THE DESK WHO TORTURED AND MOCKED HIM WITH THEIR CONTINUED DENIAL TO LET HIM IN!

    "DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!" Warren Meers screamed, his lungs filled with air and hatred.

    The blue skinned woman behind the desk merely filed her nails and sighed.

    "Mr. Meers, please remain calm. You'll be able to see your case worker shortly." She replied.

    "Look, Miss…Argentina, I don't have a case worker alright? I'm a demon. I should be in Hell right now and while I may be, I should at least be torturing people because I'm a demon not one of the damned." Warren calmly explained, his skinless features showing frustration.

    The blue skinned beauty queen sighed, "Demons don't come here Mr. Meers. Dead people do. You're a dead person, so I suggest you act like one and please sit down."

    "I am so a demon. Don't you see the S and M gear and the lack of skin? How else do you explain this?" Warren growled.

    "Retaining the physical manifestations of an untimely death is very common place. Mr. Meers." The receptionist said, holding out her hands so her slit wrists are visible, "Now please sit down. Don't make me call security."

    "I'm a Cenobite, lady. I think I can handle any security that you can throw at me." Warren laughed incredulously.

    "They're all former Hellspawn."

    "I'll be good." Warren said sitting on the floor again. Even in the dark corners of Leviathan's section of Hell, he had heard of Hellspawn. While Cenobites were Hell's expert torturers, Hellspawn were trained soldiers. He couldn't beat all of them. So he waited and waited and then waited some more. After all that waiting he waited a little longer, in addition to some nice waiting. There was more waiting then. In between waiting, Warren talked to the other ghouls present in the room who were more or less also carrying representations of their death.

    There was a guy who looked like he had been crushed to death and dragged along a half torn parachute on the ground behind him. Another guy was reading a magazine while a hatchet was buried in his head. There was a woman who could only be described as a "Crack Ho" with a syringe in her arm. The less said about the guy with the lawnmower, the better.

    Finally, after a few more months of waiting the door opened and a flat man hanging on wires called out Warren's name. Warren rose and walked off his stiffness as he followed the flattened man, who was attempting to try and hold a conversation. Warren really didn't feel like speaking at the moment though. He simply followed him.

    "So, how do I look?" the Flat Man asked as he led Warren past several skeletons typing away. Warren merely glared at him and the guy laughed, "I've been feeling a little flat."

    "Oh come on man! Get some new material already! I mean come on…the kids today, they need a little somethin' somethin' am I right?" a somewhat overweight looking ghoul with long stringy hair and a striped janitor overalls and a shirt that read "I'd rather be in Hell" said as they walked (well the Flat Man kinda rode on the wires) by him.

    "Keep it down Betelgeuse!" the Flat Man reprimanded and then groaned loudly, "OH DAMN IT! Stop trying that!"

    "Two more times, bub. That's alls I ask." The ghoul quipped.

    "I'm going to put in a request to Juno that we take away your mouth so you can't do that anymore!" the Flat Man sighed in frustration.

    "Well while you're at it, request that I be given some actual work around here! I'm a bio-exorcist! Not a janitor! I don't care if the other guy DID ascend! Give me some work! I'm beggin' ya! I can't mop another floor! I'd rather let a sandworm eat me!" the janitor yelled as Warren and the Flat Man passed.

    "Just ignore him." The Flat Man sighed.

    "Way ahead of you." Warren growled in frustration.

    "Hey! Come on! Just two more times! Hey! Look back here! I'm a professional!" the janitor said breaking his mop over his knee. He looked down and sighed, "I broke another one. This is comin' outta my pay. I outta go on strike. Oh a bug!"

    His hand slapped down on the pour insect and he devoured it as the Flat Man and Warren continued to walk across the office. The Flat Man looked at Warren and whistled to get his attention.

    "Hey! Down the hall, twenty seventh door on the left. Your case worker is waiting for you." The Flat Man said before riding the wires around a sharp turn and going back across the office.

    Warren sighed and walked out of the office through two double doors and headed down the hall. He wasn't sure what exactly to expect but at least he was out of that damned waiting room. He counted off the doors as he went along and wondered where the hell he was going. Eventually he came to door number twenty seven. He sighed and turned the knob before walking in….or rather out into a sunny meadow.

    "Okaaay." He said when he entered 

    He looked down and nearly jumped out of his skin because it was suddenly back on! Also he was wearing his favorite shirt and pants from when he was alive. He felt the top of his head and even had hair again. He laughed and listened to his laughter echo off of the surrounding hills.

    "Mr. Meers?" a pleasantly female voice came from behind him.

    He turned and saw the doorway back to the hall was gone and in its place was a desk with a very, very attractive woman with blonde hair wearing what appeared to be a white robe of some kind.

    "Well this just keeps getting better and better. I get my skin back and I'm here with a girl who looks like she should be on the cover of Maxim." Warren said walking over to the desk.

    "Why thank you Mr. Meers, but we should really get down to business. Would you please have a seat?" the woman asked. Warren walked in front of her desk and pulled out the chair and sat in it. Instantly the little chair was a leather recliner.

    Warren looked at the woman and was about to speak when she answered him.

    "It reflects your perception of comfort. It's a very nice feature that we have here." The woman said cheerfully.

    "Am….I in Heaven?" Warren asked.

    The woman laughed and smiled at him.

    "My goodness no. You're on earth." She replied.

    "So I'm alive again?"

    "Well you're always alive technically. You're just not matter at the moment. Neither am I or this desk or the chair you're sitting in. You're…"

    "Out of synch with the dimension." Warren answered.

    "Impressive."

    "Well, I used to watch a lot of Sci Fi." Warren answered, somewhat goofily.

    "I'm Darla. I'm your case worker." The woman said extending her hand to shake Warren's.

    "I'm Warren, I'll be your client….I realize how stupid that sounded." Warren said before mentally kicking himself.

    "I'm in no position to judge. I leave that to the Presence. Now let me see." Darla said, going through her files, reading over them, "Warren Meers, twenty one at time of first death, cause of first death: magickal flaying of all epidermis followed by incineration. Soul went to Hell and spent several hundred years of Pseudo Time as a Cenobite in the service of the Hell Lord, Leviathan. Was brought back to earth a few months ago, in which brief tenure he did battle with…oh…the Slayer. I know her too. Ah and here's the kicker. At one point during this encounter, one Warren Meers, undertook actions that redeemed himself enough to move up the karmic ladder when he effectively turned on Leviathan's favored son, the Angel of Pain, and saved the planet from being a plaything for Leviathan."

    "All that's in there?" Warren asked.

    "All that and more. Every thought you've ever had was recorded in here, including the thoughts you're having now. Let me see, ah here's what I was looking for. Was stripped of Cenobite abilities by the Angel of Pain and died second death as a result of injuries sustained from first death. Body then evaporated and soul moved on into Purgatory." Darla explained before closing the file.

    "That was Purgatory?" Warren asked of the waiting room.

    "Well a small portion of it. Purgatory is a dimension that encompasses this dimension. Some places are merely veiled. Those in Purgatory are essentially the ghosts of legend." Darla explained.

    "So I'm a ghost now?" Warren asked.

    "Well, only technically." Darla stated, "Take a walk with me Mr. Meers."

    Darla was up from behind the desk in the blink of an eye and Warren followed her as she led him around the meadow.

    "It works like this. All of the beings that live and die generally either go to Heaven or Hell, or at least extensions of those dimensions. However, some souls are neither good enough to enter Heaven, yet not evil enough to enter Hell. Thus we have Purgatory. Souls remain here on earth to clear up "unfinished business" if you will. Once that is cleared up, however they lived that extended portion of their life determines if they move on to either higher dimension. Some people clear it up only after a decade or two; some are still here after thousands of years. That's of course just option one. Option two is that, if eligible, you take your chances and have your mind wiped clean and your soul sent back again to be reborn. You live another life and try not to make the same mistakes as you did the last time. It's a gamble, but a surprising number of people tend to do it." Darla said.

    "What's that have to do with me? I mean I know I'm here now and all, but I've already died and been to Hell once." Warren explained.

    Darla smiled, "That's option three, Mr. Meers. Option three is the rarest of all. It states that a being, through actions in the material realm, can either fall from grace and be cast down to Purgatory or can ascend upwards from perdition to it as well. You're the third kind. You're still not good enough to get into Heaven, but your sacrifice in saving the world, along with sincere regret over the life you lived before was good enough to get you bumped up a few steps."

    "I…see." Warren said, a little dumbfounded.

    "I was appointed your case worker because I went through similar straits. You wouldn't know it from looking at me, but I was a vampire once. I was just about four hundred years old in mortal time before I died the first time, at the hands of my dear sweet darling boy. Then I was brought back, ripped out of Hell and given a second chance. Of course I still killed people but something was different about me. My darling boy and I produced a son, something which is very rarely seen or heard of in the vampire world. Vampire physiology is somewhat different though. I couldn't give birth. It's a little thing that happens to females after they're turned. Carrying a child also had interesting consequences as I soon found out. Mothers and their children share everything during pregnancy; even souls. I had regret over my evil and killed myself so my son could be born. I awoke in the waiting room, just as you did. And for the last few centuries of Pseudo Time, I've served as a case worker here, occasionally checking in on my son Connor or his father."

    "I thought you said we either became ghosts or were reborn." Warren said with confusion.

    "Well, those are the first few cases. We're special cases though. We're given the chance to truly make a difference. All those people you saw working out there, whether they were typing away, serving as a receptionist or even scrubbing the floors like Betel….it almost slipped out, have a chance to move up towards Heaven by doing this work because they are like us. We're Custodians to the Dead, Mr. Meers. We can stay in Purgatory as ghosts and run the risk of being exorcised into Limbo. We can take our chances to be reborn with the slate wiped clean, or unique individuals like us can work to help others try to reach the light. It's really a form of metaphysical philanthropy." Darla smiled.

    "There's not a lot of choice in the matter is there?" Warren asked.

    "Ghost, rebirth, or servitude. Pick one." Darla replied.

    "Well, being a ghost could be fun but messing with people would be kind of old after a while." Warren mused.

    "Also you're usually confined to one space."

    "That too. I don't like the sound of rebirth. I mean, I'd miss being me you know? I guess the third way is the way to go." Warren replied, still a little wary, "I don't know how much of a case worker I'd be though. And I can't type."

    "Oh I know. Everything in your file states that you'd be an abysmal case worker and a horrible typist. We had some different task in mind for you." Darla smiled as she led Warren along.

    "Janitor?" Warren winced.

    "Nothing so menial. Mr. Meers, you have a talent with machines am I correct?" Darla asked.

    "Yeah…I kinda…sorta…built a girlfriend." Warren admitted, blushing.

    "Yes, I know all about April. The higher offices," Darla said pointing up, "have recently pushed a little in the direction of bringing about peace in Hell. There's a horrible war being waged there and it hinders our rehabilitation processes for the poor wretches there. That's why we want you to go there and aid our team stationed there. You could perhaps build a machine to help…what is the best word for this… "convince" the poor devils there not to fight and to try and achieve what you and I both have."

    "Convince?"

    "To…change their current state of mind to that of one more favorable to us."

    "You mean to brainwash?" Warren replied.

    "In Layman's terms, yes." Darla stated.

    "I don't think I have that capability." Warren answered.

    "Of course you do. That and the best materials that the omniverse can provide for you." Darla said.

    "Is that really the best thing for me to do?"

    "Well, think of it this way: you're helping an entire dimension find peace and enlightenment; trillions and trillions of demons and souls to be redeemed, to be given hope and love for all eternity. I understand your reservations, I really do, but wouldn't you like to give those beings, beings like what you formerly were another chance?" Darla asked.

    Warren stood there quietly for a few minutes before speaking, albeit with a slight bit of hesitation. He cleared his throat and looked to Darla.

    "I admit, I'm kind of new to this, but wouldn't that go against all the other things that you just told me? I mean I was only redeemed because of actions I took on earth. If I built a machine to do what you wanted me to do, that would kind of change the rules. It's like playing Dungeons and Dragons as an elf and then deciding that you'll behave like a dwarf. Admittedly that's a bad analogy, but it kind of holds." Warren explained.

    "You're smart Mr. Meers. You think very logically. That's more than likely why you were so good with machines in life. Undoubtedly, your ordered mind was why you were chosen to be a Cenobite as well. Yes that is changing the rules just a bit. However, the most amazing thing about working in our line of work is that our Boss can change the rules whenever He feels like it. We can do so much more good that way, and you'd be bringing redemption to so many souls." Darla replied.

    "By force though?" Warren asked, "That's playing with minds."

    "You weren't so averse to toying with the minds of people when you were alive. You and your Trio toyed with the Slayer's mind on a regular basis with magick and technology. Then there was the unfortunate incident with Katrina that led to her untimely demise."

    Warren closed his eyes and visibly shook, "That's not me anymore. I can't do things like that because they're wrong. I loved Katrina."

    "I know. What you did to her was wrong, but working with us would be right. Look at it this way. What you did on earth was evil. It wasn't anything close to what I had done in all my years, but it was evil enough. Now imagine for a second, how much evil there is in the universe. Think about all those souls who commit murder or rape or even larger crimes like genocide. Those who use people. Then imagine if all those people could be changed after their deaths. Imagine that if upon reaching Hell, their minds are…convinced to be good so that they can enter Heaven. You wanted forgiveness for the things you did. Deep down, every evil thing wants that I don't care if your name is Kaiser Soyze or Darkseid. You want that. Now imagine them getting that and standing united with Heaven. Wouldn't that be beautiful if it could come to pass?" Darla asked.

    "Well…it would, but does it justify the means?" Warren asked in return.

    "Oh yes. The very fact that I can look in and watch my son or my Angel and really KNOW what it's like to feel love for them makes it all worthwhile. You want to do good Warren? This is the best opportunity to not only save trillions of souls, but to also work your own way up to Elysium. Besides, there are added incentives." Darla smiled.

    "What do you mean?"

    "Well, for example forgiveness not only from the Presence but from say…Katrina or even your friend Jonathan? You could see them in Heaven when you work your way up there." Darla asked.

    "Jonathan is dead?" Warren asked, shocked.

    "You didn't see him on earth with Andrew did you?" Darla asked.

    "You've got me there. When did he die?"

    "About six months after you. You know, you might even see April in Heaven." Darla smirked.

    "What?!" Warren asked, "But she was just a robot!"

    "She had intelligence didn't she? She could think, feel, and learn couldn't she? She felt love, the most basic of human emotions. In that context, she had a soul. And all of them would forgive you if you made it to Elysium; Katrina for altering her mind and killing her, Jonathan for all the insults and backstabbing, and even April for building her and then abandoning her. Isn't that incentive enough? You would achieve your own salvation, help souls beyond number, AND attain forgiveness from everyone that you wronged in your first life." Darla said walking along and kneeling to smell some flowers.

    "I…I don't know. They made their choices just like I did. They ended there. Why should they be forgiven?" Warren asked.

    Darla looked at him with a scowl, the first and only one she gave in their entire conversation, "If you learn nothing else for the rest of eternity, learn this; ALL beings are worthy of forgiveness. You just have to give them a chance."

    Darla then sighed, "Of course them accepting it is another thing entirely. I never thought myself worthy of it. No one ever does, so they don't want it. That's why rehabilitating Hell is such hard work. That's why the only way to really help them all is through "brainwashing". They're so wrapped up in their own private pain that they will never believe themselves worthy of forgiveness."

    "Yeah…I get that." Warren replied.

    "I know you do. That's why you'd be the perfect person for this job. Your expertise along with the finest components from all over eternity would help us to correct that colossal cosmic joke that is Hell." Darla said, smelling a rose, before looking at Warren who was wearing a shocked look on his face, "Oh you had to realize that Hell was a joke?"

    "I heard screaming, but I didn't hear laughing." Warren replied.

    "Well not a joke as in funny, a joke as in pathetic. All Hell is is a club of selfish brats who believe that they can run things better than the Presence and in the end all they do is quarrel with one another over the lands of a ruined dimension and wallow in their vices. Hell was always a joke, even when Lucifer was in charge. At least he saw how pathetic it was and decided to leave. It took him long enough but he did." Darla laughed, "It always amazes me as to how much afraid we all were of that place when we were in the mortal world. When you're mortal or even a vampire, there's not much worse than the concept of Hell. But when you move past that and go upwards, you realize that things in the mortal universe are much more frightening than a clubhouse of demons. That's another reason we need you to do this job for us. There's something coming."

    "What do you mean?" Warren asked, crouching down beside Darla.

    "We need you to help with Hell so it can be more…speedily rehabilitated. A joke as it is, there are beings of great power there that we need to help us in our cause. Heaven and Hell must stand united because something new is coming and it means to forever end our way of afterlife." Darla began before standing and walking along, with Warren in pursuit, "You were in the waiting room while the events of the Seven Days of Darkness took place. You never knew of it, except from perhaps idle chatter from a secretary."

    "I heard it mentioned. What was it?" Warren asked.

    "The First Evil, a spawn of Lucifer…no more than that, a shard of Lucifer arose and sought the end of all that was. This creature was amazingly powerful and was growing ever more so with every instant, every death that it caused. It was the First Evil who actually put into effect the events for you to redeem yourself, though all it really wanted to do was humiliate Leviathan's Angel of Pain. It was the First Evil that was responsible for almost every great atrocity in history. The First Evil wanted to rise and destroy all creation before setting its eyes on the Creator. And yet it failed, miserably I suppose." Darla explained, "It was stopped by a being so wily and willful, that he could be said to be equal to Lucifer himself; Adam Warlock."

    "So he did you guys a favor I guess." Warren said.

    "No. He didn't. He has taken the First's place in setting his sights on Heaven's Gates. And make no mistake in this, Mr. Meers. He is a threat far greater than the First Evil. He is something that seeks to end our way of life. If Warlock is successful in what he plans, Elysium will fall and we with it. Now Mr. Meers….Warren…you have to ask yourself where do you stand in all this? If you aren't helping us, you're hindering us and all creation. So where do you stand?" Darla asked.

   Warren looked at her and then to the sun high overhead. He thought about it long and hard before looking to Darla and smiling.

    "I guess I stand with you."

    "Excellent. Now then, let's talk paperwork."

The end


End file.
